Conan the Barbarian (2011)...I'll Take A Pass.

I wish I had taken a pass on this, but I saw it and I can never get those 2 hours back.

I've been away from here for a bit. I know, I know. Before you start complaining that I don't spend enough time with you let me just say.... Yeah, you're right!

Anyway, here I am again to bring you a short review, or more specifically, my thoughts, on the remake of Conan the Barbarian. Remake?! Yeah, that seems to be the trend these days in Hollywood. Either remake something from the 80's or make a movie out of some TV show from the same time period.

Firstly, let me start by saying that I never really listen to what critiques say in their movie reviews, but they were right to give this 1 star!

Back to the movie! I have to say that I was really disappointed with how this film turned out. I was expecting more of a competent story but instead received a film where Conan seemed to juggle between seeking revenge for his father's death and getting caught up in some other distraction that served as plot. I use the word "plot" loosely just to give the actions that happen in this film a title, but in reality an actual "plot" ceased to exist after Conan's father is killed. Well, he actually kills himself! OOPS, spoiler!!! Sorry, but I don't give a damn at this point!

I mean, don't get me wrong, the film did follow the traditional movie formula of beginning, middle and end. Father gets killed, son seeks revenge, becomes ruthless conqueror/killer, meets girl, loves girl, girl gets captured by arch-nemesis... you know where this is heading! And that is exactly it! The original 1982 Conan followed a similar formula, but I felt there was more meat to the story compared to the 2011 version. Yeah, how can I compare the out-dated 1982 version with the superior modern approach and special effects of the 2011 version?

Simple. The original Conan had a story which showed us how Conan grew to become the savage barbarian that we know. Viewers saw the child put into slavery and become the monster that conquered all later. More importantly, young Conan witnessed his mother get killed before his eyes. That traumatized him and gave us a reason to sympathize with him. Granted that Arnold's portrayal of Conan is tamer compared to Jason Momoa 's more savage portrayal of the character. Now, while I understand that the more savage approach is accurate for this type of character, I felt no sympathy or connection to him in Conan 2011. It just felt like this was a movie that showed us - this is Conan, now watch him go berserk in the name of vengeance.

My friend and I both felt that there were many unanswered questions that could have provided some clarity to what and why certain things were happening. Why was Khalar Zym and his daughter Marique searching for the mask? Maybe the movie did explain it, but I missed it because I became comatose after the first 20 minutes. Seriously the movie dragged at first and never seemed to pick up after that. At one point, Conan's first encounter with Khalar, it did seemed like things got exciting but that must have been because I needed someone to get killed already. However, after that it went flatline again. I also thought this version would follow the original's storyline. I wanted and was hoping to see a more modern version of Thulsa Doom, the snake king played by James Earl Jones, but this version followed a different storyline entirely.

Either way, I was expecting a climatic end fight between protagonist and antagonist. The fight was intense but the pay-off was so anti-climatic. Khalar just falls to his doom. WTF! However gruesome the original's pay-off was (Conan decapitates Thulsa's head after a few hacks) it was more satisfying compared this version's conclusion. Oh! Speaking of conclusions. The remake didn't even have the infamous scene of Conan sitting on his throne pondering his next course of action, which "is a tale for another story." I think that's how it goes. My friend and I thought this movie was so bad that maybe it needed Red Sonya to appear and maybe add some more intensity to the movie. Hey, it would have been fun to see a red haired amazon cross blades with Conan.

Man, I would've loved to see Red Sonya appear that way she would have been captured and Conan would then have to rescue her. He would've gotten his ass handed to him and maybe his arms cut off in an uber ridiculous battle.  All that just so I can say:

"Yeah, you know what? There was a point where he would had his arms all cut off, and he was on a hospital bed, and he was flaying around these little useless fucking knobs, and he was screaming and crying his fucking ass off going, 'aarrgh, aarrgh, put that Lin Kuei robot shit on me! I need to go save Sonya!'"

***$20 to whoever can guess where the above quote comes from!***

Hmm... I may have to think about the $20, but if you can figure it out then you and I are on the same wavelength or something. Ha! I just love where that line comes from and it fits right there so nicely that I couldn't resist. Have fun with that!

Well, honestly, I felt disappointed and confused at times as to where Conan the Barbarian 2011 was getting some of its references from, where it was going, how is he getting there, etc., etc. I felt like I lost almost 2 hours of my life watching this and I'll never get them back. Well, maybe if I watch the original I can reverse the damage. It's a thought.

Okay, that's all of now. Feels good to post a new entry! I guess I just needed to ad my two scents on Conan the Barbarian 2011. I'd pass on it. Save your money. Unless you want to see a mindless tale of revenge.

Until next time!